White House, You’re Fired

After a series of shocking firings and resignations, President Donald Trump took his boldest step yet in firing the White House.

No, not the White House staff. The actual White House.

After openly calling the White House “a real dump” earlier this week, Trump fired the White House due to dissatisfaction with the décor and for suspected assistance in leaking to the press. Trump took to Twitter to voice his dissatisfaction with the inanimate object’s performance:

The announcement came after the sudden removal of communications director Anthony Scaramucci, who was employed at the White House for less than two weeks. Other staffers fired or resigned during Trump’s tenure include press secretary Sean Spicer, chief of staff Reince Priebus, FBI director James Comey, national security adviser Michael Flynn, attorney Preet Bharara, director of ethics Walter Shaub, communications director Michael Dubke, and attorney general Sally Yates.

With the administration now in the market for a new place of residence, it is unclear where exactly they plan to relocate during this transition period. However, Russian president Vladimir Putin offered the Kremlin as sanction for the sitting president, releasing a statement saying that he’d “be happy” to help his American comrades during this time.

The White House could not be reached for comment. Wait, sorry, guess I need to differentiate that now. The president’s office could not be reached for comment. The White House building itself, however, is very distraught, saying it wasn’t expecting to get fired after serving presidents for more than 200 years.

Meanwhile, the physical staff inside the White House are equally concerned and confused with the announcement. Chief of staff John Kelly said that while he respects the president’s decision, he doesn’t understand “how you can fire a building, unless you’re physically setting fire to it.” Kelly could not confirm if that was what the president really meant or not.

At a press briefing for the announcement, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders couldn’t give a clear answer when asked about the nation’s future relationship with the White House, saying to reporters in the room “I… I don’t even know anymore.”

The White House is expected to fully vacate from the lawn by mid 2020.

– David Dunn

Disclaimer: This piece is satire and is not an accurate representation of current events.
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