Featuring guest writer Wadey Wilson!!!
Hi! Deadpool here, just in time for the release of my own movie! I know this article says that some schmuck named “David” wrote this, but he won’t be joining us today because he’s kind of, well, dead. I’ll be writing in his place because I’m sooo much better at writing than he is! Winky face 😉
Sooooo, what do you need to know about my movie? Well I’m in it, I’m playing Ryan Reynolds, I’m after some douchebag that named himself after dish soap… oh, and there’s women. And nudity. And boobs. Lots and lots of boobs. And blood. Not boobs and blood together, because that would be very unsanitary. But what do I care?! This movie is great!
In your dreams, wise guy.
What the–?! Who are you and what are you doing in between my paragraphs???
I’m the guy you put a spork through his neck while eating a curled bean burrito.
GASP! It– it can’t be! DAVID DUNN???
Yep.
But— but how???
My words exist in my writing, Deadpunk. Even if you kill me, my opinions still exist through them.
Aw, dangit! But your opinion is wrong!
Believe me, Wade, your movie is all sorts of wrong. Did you even wait long enough to hear my opinion before you stabbed me?
Hell yes, I did! You said you didn’t like my movie!
Wrong. I said I didn’t know if I liked your movie. But while rolling around in my grave, I finally decided that I actually did.
…
That means you stabbed me for no reason.
Killing me.
Officially preventing me from getting my diploma in the fall.
… do you take food stamps as an apology?
Idiot.
ARGH! IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT! HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW IF YOU LIKED MY MOVIE OR NOT?!?!
To be fair, you gave me a good case for why your movie was both entertaining and macabre. On one hand, you’ve rightfully earned your title as “the merc with a mouth”, Wade. You’re funny, witty, self-aware, and you’re not afraid to make fun of yourself and the movies. You’re incredibly in-cheek, and that’s a rarity for superhero movies nowadays.
Hehehe, well I don’t like to brag, buuuuuuuuut you’re kinda right.
But waitaminute. What didn’t you like about my movie then?
You’re equally as vulgar, violent, and idiotic as you are funny.
LIAR! LIAR LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE! Go ahead, name one example where I was any of those things. I’ll bet you can’t even name ONE.
You masturbated while staring intensely at a stuffed unicorn.
Do you blame me? That stuffed unicorn was HAWT.
Unfortunately, I’m not sexually attracted to stuffed animals. So I’m just thinking you’re a sick person.
Okay, okay sourpuss. Any other moments that wriled your panties up in a bunch?
Oh, plenty. You stuffed a hot car lighter into someone’s mouth and told them not to swallow. You made fun of a woman for her blindness and for being addicted to cocaine. You spelled out someone’s name using dead bodies and severed heads and limbs. I can go on and on. The violence, nudity, sex, and language are all the most deplorable elements of the picture, and you should be ashamed for having them in there.
Sorry broseph; I don’t know the definition of “ashamed,” and I also don’t own a dictionary. Just to clarify, you said you liked my movie, correct?
Yes, I did.
What the ******* **** you ******-******* piece of ****. After all that ********, why the **** do you like my movie?
For one reason, and one reason alone. Every time I thought about your movie, I laughed. I smiled. I laughed again as I recalled moments where you made me grin from ear to ear. Deplorable and revolting as your movie is, it was equally unique and clever, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a good time watching it. That probably says more about me than about you, but there you have it.
… I love you.
Oh God.
So you, uh, doing anything later?
Get away from me.
Don’t be scared, baby. I’m gentle.
That’s it, I’m out. I’m going to heaven to ask God’s forgiveness for liking your movie. Don’t worry, I’ll put in a good word for you. You’ll need it.
Oh! Oh! Say hi for me when you see him! I sent a couple of buddies of mine his way during a runtime of 100 minutes! Or am I thinking of somebody else?
DAVID DUNN 